Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Lets go down the checklist:
• Shirt off? Check.
• White, dad New Balance shoes? Check.
• Smoking a cigar? Check.
• Beautiful long hair? Check.
• Chest tat? Check.
• Gold chain? Check.
• Hanging out outside a ghetto daycare? Check.
Yes, this man lives in Independence.
I looked over, and the image did not disappoint.
I couldn't make out all of the words that he was saying, but I didn't need to know them all. I heard the best ones. Here's a list of the words I caught:
- Tars (tires), which he said like 4 times.
- '55. I'm assuming he was talking about a car.
- Whiskey. 'Nuff said.
- Kentucky. Yep.
- Shrimp. Hmm... interesting...
- Football field.
- Flatbed. This one's probably my favorite.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Let's go down the checklist:
• Ponytail? check.
• Shirt off? check.
• Camo shorts? check.
• Gold chain? check.
• Shirt tucked in waistband? check.
• Upper-back tattoo? check.
• More than 2 rings on one hand? check.
• Flip flops? (not pictured, but believe me on this one) check.
Yes, this man lives in Independence.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
The house itself was in a drastic state of disrepair, but I cautiously entered through the back porch. As I looked around, I realized that the house had not been touched in over 40 years, assuming to the 1968 calendar in one of the bedrooms was current at the time of abandonment. There was really nothing of value in the house, but the artifacts were incredible.
There were boxes of clothes-mending materials, magazines, books, and newspapers laid on the dining room table, and the air smelled of musty carpet as a broken window brought in the elements. Clothes were still in closets and dishes were still in the sink.
As I looked around in the kitchen, my eyes fell to a chalkboard near the back door.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Thursday, September 5, 2013
• Tank top: check
• Knee brace: check
• Giant drink in hand: check
• Du-rag: check
• Muscles: check
• Backpack: check
• Smoking: No, but ponytail is of equal value: check
Yes. This man lives in Independence.
Friday, August 30, 2013
People were getting to work and getting away for the holiday weekend without a problem and in fact, it would have to take something drastic for a backup today. Five minutes passed and they checked back in with the traffic guy. He came on the air with a disappointed tone, and as he was showing a blurry traffic-cam, he reported that there were people on an overpass by my house waving flags and causing people on I-70 to slow down to look at them. The face of Friday morning traffic had its first blemish.
Intrigued, I drove past these people to see what was going on.
They're teaming up to criticize the president. There was a giant blue sign that told all of the morning commuters to "Impeach Obama." I'm sure their call-to-action ignited lots of un-caffeinated khaki-clad regular Joes to whip the car around to go home, grab the pitchfork and hop a flight to Washington...
Fine. It's within their rights, but don't make people late to work. Speaking of work, don't these people work?
I think Lady Gaga said it best when she said, "I'm on the edge of glory..." I truly believe that I live in a part of the world where mediocracy reigns supreme and as mind-boggling as it is to live here, I'm going to find the humor in it to share.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Friday, August 16, 2013
Also, I freakin' booted that sucker.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Friday, August 9, 2013
Thursday, August 8, 2013
I immediately mind-punched the guy.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
There is sometimes a lot of foot traffic down this stretch, including a middle-eastern man who I started waving at 3 years ago, and ever since then, we've been "waving pals." It always brings a mutual smile to our faces to see each other and wave. I don't know the guy, but this story is not about that man. It's about a new walker, with a new made-up true story. He wears fairly beat-up clothes: slip-on shoes, a tie dye shirt and some cargo pants. He always carries a grocery bag over his shoulder and walks with a palsy-beat. One of his arms is tucked and looks as if he's carrying an imaginary football. However, none of these things measure up to the amount of what caught my eye the first time I saw him lugging groceries down the sidewalk. This man has the most beautiful hair I've ever seen on anyone in my life.
As I drove up on this man the first time, I thought he was a woman. The flaxen ripply flow went down to the middle of his back, believe it or not. It was like Kenny G or Weird Al's hair, if they would've grown theirs out for another year. It was like vintage Michael Bolton's hair, but way more majestic.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Sunday, I got up and made breakfast, and just hung out. I went and hit 70 golf balls at the driving range. It was exhilarating. I came back home, ran to Panera for sandwiches, then we went to a winery in town, drank wine and then went to the in-laws' house for steaks and longhorn cattle burgers.
Today is Monday, and I am sore.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Today, I was driving next to a hearse on my way home from work. Hearses are weird. First of all, they're like a mega station wagon, and they're always like light blue or creme-colored. They've also got curtains in the windows. The curtains don't really cover up anything in particular. Just there, neat and pressed. If I were a curtain-maker, I'd buy a hearse to display my expertise. Also, there's usually a big, metal thing on the back of the hearse. It looks like a big shoehorn or something, just pasted on the side for no apparent reason. I wanted to pull up to the stop light and ask the driver if the carpet matched the curtains. That's all of the ideas I have about hearses.